After I left your grandfather’s house that time, those resentments did not diminish. My mentality was somewhat not agreed with those resentments because I knew that God had not forsaken me as I rebelled against him, and once again spoke to me, telling me to forgive my father. So, I don’t want to sink into those resentments again. It was only me that know how difficult it was for those days. I was soberly resisting those dark and venomous thoughts, and every time it is like experiencing a storm of the mind. Sometimes those thoughts are directed my thoughts to my parents, sometimes to those who have laughed at me. As long as it is possible for me to sink into resentment again, it will appear in my heart countless times a day, trying to take me captive. I don’t know when it began, I began to resist those resentful thoughts, and often reminded myself in my heart that although the fragments of being laughed at were real, those imaginary scenes of revenge were not real, don’t be deceived, don’t be deceived! Sometimes the resistance succeeds, sometimes it fails. I can’t remember how long it took, but one day, when I was singing a poem in the church Sunday worshiping God, suddenly, a lot of fragments of my previous actions and thoughts, resentment towards my parents, although it was only a moment from the heart appeared in the flash, but it was clearly relived in my heart, like a bystander seeing it with his own eyes. Son, I bear witness to this so that you know that what Job 11:10-11 and Psalm 90:8 says are true.

“If He passes by or apprehends people,
Or calls an assembly, who can restrain Him?
For He knows false people,
And He sees injustice without investigating.”

“You have placed our guilty deeds before You,
Our hidden sins in the light of Your presence.”

Then I asked from within a knot in my heart that I really wanted to ask about the true God who created the heaven and the earth. I asked God, “Lord, I treated naughty in this way with my parents. Will you still love me?” The Holy Spirit said to me, “I love you!” How to describe it? It is not the “I love you” that we are all saying to each other casually. It is the acceptance of me as a sinner. Holy Spirit is telling me that “My son, I know all about you, light and darkness, and I still love you!” At that moment, the inferiority, fear, and uneasiness that offended Him because of self-seeking, self-serving sins, as if suddenly from the heart and soul, in that instant, was gently erased by the words from Holy Spirit, leaving no trace. It is as if all kinds of evil thoughts that come out of the heart, guilt and shame, are covered. Although it seems to be very illusory, it is really washing deep down in my soul. In that moment, suddenly, I knew in my heart that the God who created the heaven and the earth and all things still did not abandon me because of my sin, and still hoped that I would turn around and confess my mistakes and say to me. At that moment, an indescribable emotion surged into my heart, “Lord Jesus, still love me! He still loves me!” Tears flowed uncontrollably from my eyes, and this situation lasted for over half a year, and every time I knelt down every morning and night to read the Bible, or sang songs and praises to God on Sundays, because I remember that the Lord Jesus still loved me, or Holy Spirit gently in my heart, let me relive some of the things that had happened to me before, let me be like a bystander, see what I did and think, only to know that my real motivation at that time was not what I said on the surface, it made me feel sorrow, the tears flowed out of my own control, and then I said to God in my heart: “Lord, I am a sinner! Please forgive me!” Son, this proves that what the psalms say in Psalm 51:4/7/17 and Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 7:9-11 are their personal experience.

“Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.”

“Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
Cleanse me, and I will be whiter than snow.”

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, God, You will not despise.”

“I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us.
For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.
For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter.“

A person, if he knows that there are others who will not be disgusted or despised because he sees his dark heart and his soul polluted by darkness, the other party is obviously holy and flawless, but still accompanies his heart, waiting for his repentance and turning. I think to shed tears of sorrow, to regret myself, to let my soul be washed and cleansed by that undeserved love, which is the best medical effect. This is also what the Bible says that you are grieving according to God’s will, this godly sorrow.

It is also the same as what Mark 2:17 and John 3:17-21 say:

And hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

“For God did not send the Son (Jesus) into the world to judge the world, but so that the world might be saved through Him.
The one who believes in Him is not judged; the one who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.
And this is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the Light; for their deeds were evil.
For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light, so that his deeds will not be exposed.
But the one who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds will be revealed as having been performed in God.”

The Son of God came into the world to call sinners to repentance, not to the righteous. And after repentance, sinners will not be afraid to be illuminated by the Holy Spirit who dwells in their hearts in their lives, illuminate their past or present darkness. They will not pass by the Holy Spirit as often as in the past. It is because they are revealed in their hearts, as if they were a bystander, they can see clearly and clearly, know what their real motives were at that time. Therefore, they will grieve and hate themselves according to God’s will, confess their sins and repent to the God who created the heaven and the earth and all things. Such a person, if he is constantly guided by the Holy Spirit in his heart, his testimony will always point only to bringing man to the living God, simply to show that what he is doing is by God. Instead of trying to show yourself to everyone in every way you can, trying to prove that what you do and say comes from God in order to raise the social status in this world.

Next: One Thought Repent Longing to Heaven (3)

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Son, I can’t remember how much time passed in this spiritual situation, and then one day, such an idea appeared in my mind: “In this world, because of the boundary of parental and human relations, you can’t do anything…” I resisted this idea at first, and who in this world are so stupid and listen to this idea that appears from the heart for no reason. But then every day, those nights that accompanied you until you slept soundly, those thoughts of resentment, more and more. I hate your grandfather, not as much as I did to my son. Then one night, when my mind was completely lost, opened to accept the call of those dark and resentful thoughts, to let those thoughts merge completely with my heart, and no longer resisted. That night I came out of your room, I had a desire to feel happy that I could begin to take revenge.

Somehow, there were many methods of revenge in my mind that appeared for no reason, as if I had known them for a long time. I tried my best to make your grandfather thought that I were an unfilial son. I did not say a word of filial piety, but I gave him the opportunity to do what he thought was right. Then I wordlessly forced him, let him see his grandson, my son you, let him think that I was demonstrating to him, let him for the sake of face, did not want to express a little affection to us. So that you grew up, did not feel your grandfather’s love, there will be no he in your heart, let you and your grandfather, there is no emotional communication. I also force him have to break his promise to me, draw a line with me. Everything I have placed in his heart is for him to do what he thinks is right, and it is only to force your grandfather to be willing to alienate from our family. Then, when he was alone with me, I was still eating very calm as if he had never said a word of ruthlessness to me. At that time, on the surface, it was difficult for anyone to perceive anything different, but in my heart, I was living in darkness. This is the darkness in my heart, to retaliate against the words he often said: “I must do what I want to achieve, no matter what!”. I wanted your grandfather, the role is reversed, try the feelings of the victim, but everything is also what he is willing to step into. Later, there was a thought in my heart to kill a hundred enemies and hurt myself three thousand, but Holy Spirit reminded me many times not to keep this thought of the evil one in the world, so even if it seems that saying that thought will make you and others know more clearly how the evil one deceives me, I still feel peace not to say it. Son, only a fool will pay attention to the thoughts that come to mind for no reason and accept them as if they were our own thoughts. However, it is precisely because those thoughts are in line with what we are filled with, even if we know that it is stupid to do so. We feel that as long as it is reasonably sound. As long as no one knows what we really think in our hearts. A better way to distinguish is to say that we are righteous, that we are victims, and that those who hurt ourselves are shameful. We may also slowly begin to accept it, and secretly think that it is put into practice without God’s awareness.

When that day, I found the opportunity to make an appointment with your grandfather and grandmother, and said to your mother, there is something to talk to my parents about the day. When I went into their house at that moment, there was a voice of Holy Spirit came to my heart that I had forgotten for a long time. I thought it would be forever and ever loss my communication with the Holy Spirit because I had sold my soul to the wicked. So, God would never say a word to me again. But the voice that came from the Holy Spirit, still majesty and compassionate, appeared to me and said, “Forgive your father, and forgive yourself.” Then, I was ready for everything of my revenge, because of the word of the Holy Spirit, I began to feel some reservations. I also seemed to have suddenly, from that resentment, drenched in cold water and woke up, as if I no longer wanted revenge, did not want to sacrifice my soul, to hurt my father, your grandfather. As a result, I just sat wordlessly in front of your grandfather and grandmother. I thought for a while, and then said to them, “You both have a good life and live.” And I left their house. After I left, I did not regret the temporary cancellation of the final stage of my revenge because I spent so much time and effort on the opportunity to retaliate. I felt that I had let go of the burden. This fulfills what Psalm 33:13-15 and Job 36:8-10 say, which is true.

“The LORD looks from heaven;
He sees all the sons of mankind;
From His dwelling place
He looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth,
He who fashions the hearts of them all,
He who understands all their works.”

“And if they are bound in shackles,
And are caught in the snares of misery,
Then He declares to them their work
And their wrongdoings, that they have been arrogant.
He opens their ears to instruction,
And commands that they return from injustice.”

Son, I thank God from the bottom of my heart that, if He is not a living God forever and ever, if He is not looking at everyone in the world. He would not have known what I was planning to do, and He would not have spoken to me at an important juncture and reminded me to forgive myself. I wouldn’t have known that He still cared for sinners like me who had sold my soul to the wicked.

One Thought Repent Longing to Heaven (2)

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One Thought Sinking into Hell (Part 2 of 2)

My son, the God who created the heaven and the earth, speaks to setup the laws. It is better to describe that as long as the Creator speaks, the laws and laws of the entire universe, heaven and earth, will follow the direction of His words to fulfill what the Creator once said to people, so that the words spoken by God will be fulfilled. Therefore, it is very important whether He really speaks to you through the Holy Spirit.

Son, it was very hard at the beginning for me to understand how Holy Spirit spoke to me at first. Put it more simply, even if Holy Spirit wanted to talk to me in my heart, I didn’t understand it. I often passed by in my heart and didn’t know. I have written the way Holy Spirit spoke to me and some important experiences in this particular letter, as a reminder for your future spiritual growth. You must keep in mind the experience that I, your father, sharing with you. You have to experience it yourself that Jesus Christ comes into the world to save sinners, because all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. May God protect your hearts and minds, and you will not be afraid to confess your sins and repent to Him because we are all spiritually wounded. God has promised forgiveness in many places in the Bible until the day we meet again.

I divided this letter into four parts, the first one is titled “One Thought Sinking Into Hell”, the second one is “One Thought Repent Longing To Heaven”, and the third and fourth are respectively “Letter to Dad.” and “Letter to My Son”. Parts 1 and 2 are also divided into several sub-sections of about five minutes each, which are convenient for you and the reader to read later. At the end I have something that I want to tell you. You are not going to understand it now. I still want to write it down and leave it for you to read in your future. I also need all the readers to testify that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God. So, I put it on Internet for readers to witness with me. This is also what I wrote to your grandfather. Your grandfather does not believe that the Lord Jesus is the Son of God. I don’t know what to say to your grandfather so that he can finish listening to my testimony of how the Lord Jesus made me repent and confess my sins. So, I wrote to him. Dad, please be patient and read this letter as my last request, okay? In the last part of this letter, I have something to say to you.

Son, if you can’t remember, you can re-read what I wrote earlier, “Struck down, but not destroyed (Part 1 of 4)“, which contains a detailed account of the situation. At that time, Holy Spirit said to me, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you and your family will be saved.” But after that, for a long time, I didn’t know what a great grace it was! The Heavenly Father, with the Holy Spirit, reminded me in advance of what was going to happen in my Father’s house in the future, so that Dad could recall the Heavenly Father’s promise after it happened, that I could believe in Him by what He said to me, to confess my sins and repent, to surrender to Him and to receive the assurance of eternal life!

To illustrate what I have said above, I want to share with you my experience of repentance. Dad grew up in an idolatrous family and I had two older sisters and a younger brother. When I was in middle school, it was my big sister who took me to know and accept the Lord Jesus as my Savior. Your grandfather and grandmother, when we were very young, used to ask for our future for divination, and the divinator said to them that in the future your younger brother will be very clever. As we grow up, my brother is really smart. He can watch TV shows and studying at the same time, and he can also get good grades. My younger brother later went to an inland province of Canada to study medicine. He is really smart, but he is more difficult to get along with his shrewd and calculating thoughts, especially with girls. It is easy to be friends, but it is more difficult to get along and love. In one of the days of his life, a thought or a question came to his mind. It was an idea saying, “Do I not like women but men?” As a result, he saw an advertisement in the newspaper in which a boy asked to rent a room for another boy. When my brother moved into the house, he became a gay man. He also claimed to be born gay. Later, my brother came to live in the United States. When I came to the United States twenty years ago, he came to the bus station to greet me. After I got to his apartment, he said to me that he liked men and didn’t like women. That day, I had that feeling of thunder on a sunny day, and I just kept asking myself why this happens to me??? When I got up in the morning the next day, the sad tears could be able to flow from my eyes.

Later, I lived in my brother’s apartment for a year, and I tried to change him with the discernment I could think of. I also invited him back to my Christian church at that time, hoping that he might leave his homosexual life because of God’s love or because of the love and mutual care among other Christians. When he seems to have his own friends in the youth fellowship, I seem to have found a glimmer of hope in my heart, and maybe he will slowly change. But when one day I was reading Jude 23 of the New Testament, it said:

“save others, snatching them out of the fire; and on some have ercy with fear, hating even the garment polluted by the flesh.”

When I read, I had a feeling of palpitations. I seemed to see the image of my brother in my heart, which made me very frightened! I asked myself why this happened, but I could not find the answer, and over time I forgot. But not too long later, when I read 1 Samuel 2:33-34 and 3:12-13, it said:

“Yet I will not cut off every man of yours from My altar, so that your eyes will fail from weeping and your soul grieve, and all the increase of your house will die in the prime of life.
And this will be the sign to you which will come in regard to your two sons, Hophni and Phinehas: on the same day both of them will die.”

“On that day I will carry out against Eli everything that I have spoken in regard to his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I am going to judge his house forever for the wrongdoing that he knew, because his sons were bringing a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them.”

The appearance of my brother, this time clearly appeared in my mind, and there was a very strong palpitation in my heart, as if if I did not stop something, something great and terrible would happen in my father’s house. Later, after investigation, it turned out that my brother was thinking that as long as he married the opposite sex and through marriage, he could get rid of the homosexual life. I did not know that it was because of the acquiescence or proposal of your grandparents, or that he also hoped that he could change it. In addition, he was a young doctor, and in the church fellowship, there were also some female fellows who were willing to contact him and be friends. I once asked my brother and my parents who knew about this, and naturally it came to the end of an unpleasant conversation with both my brother and my parents respectively. I don’t know what my thought and motivation were at that time, and I don’t know until now, but I just remember that at that time, I had a fear in my heart that I had never had before. I was driven to never let those terrible things happening no matter what. After struggling for a while, I personally told my brother to leave the church fellowship and not to come back right before the fellowship time. My brother tried to know from your mother why I was so determined, and when your mother told him that this was what your brother learned from the Bible, touched by the Holy Spirit, he left without saying much. Moreover, in order to ensure that my brother did not secretly associate with the female members of the youth fellowship in our church, I also told the pastors of the church about this matter. Later, at the suggestion of the pastor, I also reminded a female fellow of the youth fellowship who was closer to my brother that my brother had some personal problems and would not return to the church fellowship in the future. The pastors of the church, who may not know how to deal with me after my brother left the church, in fact, I can’t blame them, because in the process, Dad’s selfness surface emerged, but the angry thoughts that seemed to be drawn across the bridge and abandoned after being used up often appeared in my heart and mind.

Genesis 4:6-7 said it very well:

“Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why is your face gloomy?
If you well, will your face not be cheerful? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

Next: One Thought Sinking into Hell (Part 2 of 2)

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