There was once a Christian couple, which was relatively closer to us, and often came and went. When they knew about my brother, I often heard the title of “uncle”, and then more openly joking in front of me. Later I learned that because my brother is gay, they used the code name of “uncle” to represent gay men, which means that I have a biological brother who is gay, and in the future my children will call my gay brother “uncle”. After I learned about this, I hated them from the bottom of my heart. Also, I hated myself why I would grow up in such a family and shame on me for the rest of my life! So, at that time, I hate those claimed to be Christians who say good things to me with their lips and laugh at my brother and I am a sinful people within their soul. At that time, that kind of resentment, somehow, would come to my mind all day long, and although I still read the Bible and prayed, the situations that did not occur in reality and illusion still alternated with each other, making the resentment in my heart deeper and deeper. As a person falling into a well, it is dragging me down to step into that deep pool until I could not extricate myself. It was a time when reality and illusion overlapped. First of all, the face lips of the people who knew about this matter began with a slight upward smiling expression, which produced a feeling of abandonment, and finally the illusory idea that made me vent my resentment against the faces of those people. As if I could not do anything in real life but wanted to vent the revenge in my heart as a relief of my anger. As long as I was willing to continue to stay in the fantasy, I could stay in that thought for more than ten minutes before waking up. The idea of resentment, came from nowhere, appears every day, like a hook-up, often looking for and pestering those who may be willing to accept her, hoping to find other people who can sin with her. Matthew 16:23 and 1 Peter 5:8 say it well:
But Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Men; for you are not setting your mind on God’s purposes, but men’s.”
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
Later, I vented my resentment on the senior pastor in the church that my family attended at that time and said some vicious words to him. Although I know that I should not do that, and that the God who created the heaven and the earth and all things will not be pleased with me to do that, I am full of resentment because of the idea that appears in my heart, the intersection of reality and illusion. I want to go beyond God’s word, and because of the resentment that I identify with, I destroy the constraints of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I want to achieve the idea of revenge in my heart. Just because those thoughts are in line with one’s own heart or interests, it is difficult to find that they do not come from oneself but are foreign and exist in the heart at the same time. Son, reading this, you may not be able to understand my mental journey anymore, but please continue to read it, and at the end, I will let you understand what I have said above.
When my wife and I did not have you yet, my brother and my father broke down with me again. At that time, your grandfather called me and said, “After you got married, you have not had children for a while, and it is difficult for me to explain to other relatives and friends.” Then he hanged the line. At that very moment, I couldn’t stop thinking in my heart, “I am your son, why do you want to give an account to your relatives and friends, so that I am more like your asset but not your son, how do you give me an account?” So, the thought that made me feel like a commodity made me hate my father’s family even more. And my brother, because your grandfather had given him the money he had invested in before, asked my brother to hand it over and transfer it to me for other purposes, and used it to me. I was a part time realtor at that time, and he pretended to hire me to help him in the matter of buying his new house. So that, I would get the brokerage commission in the future, and he would ask me to take the commission out to him and compensate for his loss. I can’t remember why my brother’s plan was revealed before he could buy a house. I asked him, and he told me that he can then take back the money he had lost from me, and if it hadn’t been, he wouldn’t have come to me as his realtor no matter what. I remember very clearly, when I thought to myself, “Why can a biological brother do this to me?”
Later, when your mother and I had you and you had not yet been born, suddenly one day, a thought appeared in my heart, and the idea meant this, “Everything is your father’s fault, if it were not for his desire to achieve his purpose regardless of everything, you and your brother would not have led to today’s situation.” Then I thought back to what my father had said to me, and compared to what had happened, I realized that the idea might have been right. From the bottom of my heart, I swore to know the truth, and if it was true, I would never forgive my biological father! It is the same as your grandfather once said to me personally, “I do what I want to achieve, no matter what!” My excuse to find out the truth is just in the hope that I can justifiably hate my father, your grandfather. So, when you were not yet born, I would do it with the deceitful intention in my heart, and I would ask your grandparents to help you after you were born. I changed the plan again and again, so that your grandfather was not happy about it. Even if he thought it was your mother’s intention, I would not hesitate to stop what I want to do. Then on the day you were born, your grandmother asked me, what is the exact time you were born, and I won’t tell her. I won’t tell your grandmother, firstly, because I know that she will use your date of birth time for divination and ask about the future. Secondly, at that time in my heart, there is a resentful thought that spreads in my heart, and the resentment is like this: “Why do I have to tell you? I do not like to tell you about it!”
Later, after you were born, I had the opportunity to take your grandfather home in a car, and on the way he and I had a long conversation. After that time, I decided from my heart that your grandfather was the culprit of my family’s misfortune. However, I feel that there is nothing that can be done in this world, because there is a saying called “parents are always doing good for their children”, which means that all parents in the world are kind to their children, and there is no mistake in their teaching to their kids. Such a sentence, in the self-righteous population, has become the gold medal of those parents who are “doing nothing wrong for their children”, who say to his friends, my children do this and that to me. Their friends who do not know the details, will put their sympathy and pity on their parents. So, at the beginning, I felt very helpless. However, the idea of being abandoned by my father as a commodity to achieve his purpose often appeared in my heart, and because it appeared more and more frequently, the resentment in my heart became deeper and deeper each day. During that time, my mental state was rarely clear, and my mind was very long in the illusory revenge of resentment.
Christian Faith Discussion 