After I left your grandfather’s house that time, those resentments did not diminish. My mentality was somewhat not agreed with those resentments because I knew that God had not forsaken me as I rebelled against him, and once again spoke to me, telling me to forgive my father. So, I don’t want to sink into those resentments again. It was only me that know how difficult it was for those days. I was soberly resisting those dark and venomous thoughts, and every time it is like experiencing a storm of the mind. Sometimes those thoughts are directed my thoughts to my parents, sometimes to those who have laughed at me. As long as it is possible for me to sink into resentment again, it will appear in my heart countless times a day, trying to take me captive. I don’t know when it began, I began to resist those resentful thoughts, and often reminded myself in my heart that although the fragments of being laughed at were real, those imaginary scenes of revenge were not real, don’t be deceived, don’t be deceived! Sometimes the resistance succeeds, sometimes it fails. I can’t remember how long it took, but one day, when I was singing a poem in the church Sunday worshiping God, suddenly, a lot of fragments of my previous actions and thoughts, resentment towards my parents, although it was only a moment from the heart appeared in the flash, but it was clearly relived in my heart, like a bystander seeing it with his own eyes. Son, I bear witness to this so that you know that what Job 11:10-11 and Psalm 90:8 says are true.
“If He passes by or apprehends people,
Or calls an assembly, who can restrain Him?
For He knows false people,
And He sees injustice without investigating.”
“You have placed our guilty deeds before You,
Our hidden sins in the light of Your presence.”
Then I asked from within a knot in my heart that I really wanted to ask about the true God who created the heaven and the earth. I asked God, “Lord, I treated naughty in this way with my parents. Will you still love me?” The Holy Spirit said to me, “I love you!” How to describe it? It is not the “I love you” that we are all saying to each other casually. It is the acceptance of me as a sinner. Holy Spirit is telling me that “My son, I know all about you, light and darkness, and I still love you!” At that moment, the inferiority, fear, and uneasiness that offended Him because of self-seeking, self-serving sins, as if suddenly from the heart and soul, in that instant, was gently erased by the words from Holy Spirit, leaving no trace. It is as if all kinds of evil thoughts that come out of the heart, guilt and shame, are covered. Although it seems to be very illusory, it is really washing deep down in my soul. In that moment, suddenly, I knew in my heart that the God who created the heaven and the earth and all things still did not abandon me because of my sin, and still hoped that I would turn around and confess my mistakes and say to me. At that moment, an indescribable emotion surged into my heart, “Lord Jesus, still love me! He still loves me!” Tears flowed uncontrollably from my eyes, and this situation lasted for over half a year, and every time I knelt down every morning and night to read the Bible, or sang songs and praises to God on Sundays, because I remember that the Lord Jesus still loved me, or Holy Spirit gently in my heart, let me relive some of the things that had happened to me before, let me be like a bystander, see what I did and think, only to know that my real motivation at that time was not what I said on the surface, it made me feel sorrow, the tears flowed out of my own control, and then I said to God in my heart: “Lord, I am a sinner! Please forgive me!” Son, this proves that what the psalms say in Psalm 51:4/7/17 and Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 7:9-11 are their personal experience.
“Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.”
“Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
Cleanse me, and I will be whiter than snow.”
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, God, You will not despise.”
“I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us.
For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.
For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter.“
A person, if he knows that there are others who will not be disgusted or despised because he sees his dark heart and his soul polluted by darkness, the other party is obviously holy and flawless, but still accompanies his heart, waiting for his repentance and turning. I think to shed tears of sorrow, to regret myself, to let my soul be washed and cleansed by that undeserved love, which is the best medical effect. This is also what the Bible says that you are grieving according to God’s will, this godly sorrow.
It is also the same as what Mark 2:17 and John 3:17-21 say:
And hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
“For God did not send the Son (Jesus) into the world to judge the world, but so that the world might be saved through Him.
The one who believes in Him is not judged; the one who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.
And this is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the Light; for their deeds were evil.
For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light, so that his deeds will not be exposed.
But the one who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds will be revealed as having been performed in God.”
The Son of God came into the world to call sinners to repentance, not to the righteous. And after repentance, sinners will not be afraid to be illuminated by the Holy Spirit who dwells in their hearts in their lives, illuminate their past or present darkness. They will not pass by the Holy Spirit as often as in the past. It is because they are revealed in their hearts, as if they were a bystander, they can see clearly and clearly, know what their real motives were at that time. Therefore, they will grieve and hate themselves according to God’s will, confess their sins and repent to the God who created the heaven and the earth and all things. Such a person, if he is constantly guided by the Holy Spirit in his heart, his testimony will always point only to bringing man to the living God, simply to show that what he is doing is by God. Instead of trying to show yourself to everyone in every way you can, trying to prove that what you do and say comes from God in order to raise the social status in this world.
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