Do I have to seek your advice first?

This was what Holy Spirit told me. It is the best using it to conclude my lesson learned from Holy Spirit from Year 2019 and 2020.

Even though I repented through the touch by the unconditional love of God at the beginning of Year 2019, I still judged and managed my relationship with others by my own personal preferences. Let me give you an example to illustrate my point. When the son of a Christian friend of mine and my son had a play date together, my friend’s son got angry during the game and pushed my son down on the floor. While my son was still crying in the arms of my wife, my friend came to us and said, “If your son like to play with my son, he has to be ready for this kind of situation.” After he said that, he turned and walked away without even asking if my son was ok. After I heard what my friend said, I was very angry internally and asked myself why the children of God with Holy Spirit living within them could say this kind of thing. Afterward, there was a lot of the accusing voice came to my heart and I picked them all up without hesitation. I judged my friend as a hypocrite that cleaning the outside of the cup but inside is full of proud and selfishness. I classified him as one of the people who did not yet repent in front of our God. After a long while, my friend changed suddenly. He became very respectful and not quite selfish anymore. I were very surprised by his change all in sudden and could not figure out why he did not act like what I thought he was anymore. Then, at that moment of puzzling, a small little whispering came to my heart from nowhere. It was Holy Spirit asking me a question. He said, “If I want him to change according to my timetable, do I have to seek your advice first?” At that moment, I aware that I were self-righteous and had sin against my God because of my personal preferences towards others. As it is written on James 4:11-12:

“Do not speak against one another, brothers and sisters. The one who speaks against a brother or sister, or judges his brother or sister, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it.
There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and destroy; but who are you, judging your neighbor?”

I said in my heart to my God that “My Lord, I am a sinner. Please forgive me!” Even I said this to my God, the wrong doings of that brother still came to my mind quite often. I did not want to be dragged into those negative feelings again because I remembered that my Lord Jesus had forgiven my sin. Even with the good will and strength of mine, I still not quite easily escaped from those negative feelings. One day while I read Luke 6:27-37, it said,

“Love your enemies, … pray for those who are abusive to you. … Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Pradon, and you will be pradoned.”

And then later, I read Luke 6:46-48, it said,

“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord.’ And do not do what I say? Everyone who comes to Me and hears My words and acts on them. … He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation on the rock; and when there was a flood, the river burst against that house and yet it could not shake it, because it had been well built.”

While I read the above, the struggle I had with the negative feelings came to my mind again. Then, I realized that Holy Spirit was reminding me what I should do against the negative feelings came to my mind. Also, what a missionary shared with me in the past came to my mind on how he commanded the negative feelings away from his heart by the name of our Lord Jesus. It was not the first time that Holy Spirit let me remember naturally what the missionary said. Therefore, I tried to command the negative feelings about my friend by the name of my Lord Jesus and then prayed for my friend and me when he came to my mind again. What I discovered is that it is truth! Those negative feelings were not getting my attention and eventually disappeared after I commanded them going away by the name of my Lord Jesus. If I did think I were right about those judgements and willingly pick them up again, they will not go away. Those negative feelings would still surface in my mind and try to conquer me. Then, Holy Spirit sometimes told me to bow down and pray to ask for forgiveness. When I was willing to do that and ask for forgiveness, those negative feelings would then go away. After I started praying for those brothers and sisters in Christ that did not come to my mind in good term, I discovered that I were growing more and more longing to see my Lord Jesus in heaven one day in eternity. I am longing to see the One who is speaking to me only a few seconds every time in my heart and teaching me how to deal with different things or hardships in my life. I want to say Thank you to Him in person with my own lips.

Although I could bow down to read the Scriptures and pray every day in the morning and evening, I still doubted from time to time that I were not changed completely by my God through Holy Spirit. Would it still be an illusion? Would I fall back to what I behaved as a self-righteous and self-seeking person again? The doubts were brothering me in my heart for a while. Until April 1 in Year 2019, I read John 8:36. It said:

“So if the Son sets you free, you really will be free.”

I asked in my heart to my God, “Am I free in front of you, my Lord?” A few weeks later, I was reading 2 Samuel 12:14. While I read “However, since by this deed you have shown utter disrespect for the LORD,”, there were some blurry pictures appeared in my mind. I was very afraid from the bottom of my heart and broken with sorrow and tears. My direct instinct was telling me that I did something in the past that shown utter disrespect for the LORD. I cried for a few minutes on the floor and kept asking my Lord to forgive me. For the next two days, my mind was kept thinking what I did that caused such a disgrace to my God who loves me so much. Then, there was a message came to my mind like wind from nowhere. The meaning of the message was telling me that “Let it go. I just wanted you to know that you had shown utter disrespect for Me. Do not do it again.” But from my heart, I said, “My Lord, how can I not do it again if I don’t know what I did?” Then, there was another message came to my mind. It was telling me that “you will not do it again if you love me.” At that moment, my tears came out from my eyes. I said to my God, “My Lord, I love! I love you!” If my Lord does not love me, He can let me see exactly what I did in the past in my mind. He could then judge me accordingly and He did not do that. It
is because my Lord truly loves me. He did not put my guilt as of no guilt. When I asked my Lord whether I am free in front of Him, He let me see a blurred vision of my guilt. Then, I had an opportunity to ask for forgiveness in front of Him and He then could forgive me. In my whole life on earth, I will not know what I did to cause utter disrespect to my Lord. It may because of my curiosity or because of my guilt. Even up to now, I still hope to ask my Lord in person about what I did that caused that disgrace to Him when I go back to the heavenly home. There were some brothers in Christ trying to encourage me and said, “Don’t feel guilty anymore. Let it go. Our God had forgiven you.” But one day when I read 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 and it said:

“For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.
For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter.”

Because of this, I am keeping this experience of forgiveness of my sin from God as a healed wound with a scar. It is also as a reminder to myself on how much my Lord loves me and so I will be reminded not to use my personal preferences against the will of God on me in the future. I shared this forgiveness experience with some other Christians. Some of them were just smiling at me and turned their eyes upward for a second. As if I saw in their facial expression that they said, “Give me a break! God talked to you and you said that He forgave your sins?” Also, there was a Christian came to me in person quietly when no one was around me and told me that “Let me share with you a little secret. You only have to ask for forgiveness one time and you will not need to ask for forgiveness again in your life. It was because our God had forgiven all your sins.” I feel a little bit strange of what he said because it was not what I understand from the Scriptures about forgiveness and repentance. Also, why it would be a little secret? Why would he not say it in front of other Christians and Pastors but came to me quietly to tell me that? Therefore, I prayed to God and asked why he told me that idea. Afterwards, while I read NIV version of Romans 16:17-18 and it said:

“I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.
For such people are not serving our Lord Christs, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naïve people.”

At that moment of reading the Scriptures, I remembered what I asked my God about the brother who shared with me his little secret. I had a sudden realization that he might think I am a naïve person, a silly man! The feeling of being treated as a silly man made my anger growing gradually inside. For quite some time, the words that that Christian shared with me about “one for all” forgiveness and repentance came very often to my mind while I was reading the Scriptures or during prayers. I would think of how to tell him what he said was wrong and the reason for a long time. It was to the point that affecting the
quality of my time reading the Scriptures and my hope to meet with my Lord. One day when I read Mark 4:14-15 and it said:

“The farmer sows the word.
Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them.”

While I was reading it, the picture of mine reading the Scriptures but unable to remember what I read from the Scripture afterwards came to my mind again. Then, I realized that the seed was taken by Satan from my heart; however, the negative feeling of being treated as a silly man kept coming to my mind. Until I realized that the consequence of picking up those negative feeling was too high in terms of the quality time with my God during prayers and Scriptures reading, I started to ask my Lord to help me when those negative feelings came again. One day a message came to my mind. It was the answer of Holy Spirit to me saying this, “My blood is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So, I tried to ask the precious blood of my Lord Jesus to cover my sin so that I could focus to read the Scriptures and pray to Him with the hope that my Lord could listen to my prayers in His Heavenly Throne. When the negative feelings about what that Christian said to me came again, I would have the willingness to pray for him and ask my Lord to have mercy on me and on him. Then, I discovered that it was a promised treasure from my God to me that He asked me to pray for my enemies and the others that were not quite lovable to me. It is because the prayers for those people will halt the negative feelings coming to my mind and stop affecting the quality time of my praying and Scriptures reading time. Afterwards, I read 1 John 5:8, it said:

“the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement.”

The New King James Version said it much clear.

“And there are three that bear witness on earth, the Spirit, and the water, and blood: and these three agree as one.”

While I were reading it, I remembered most of the time up to now, I still feel my soul/spirit was shaking like water pouring into a red-hot frying pan. So, I realized that it was truth the three were in agreements in me. The following is my understanding without asking my God. I do have peace from above to share with you. I hope in the future, while I am reading the Scriptures again, Holy Spirit can confirm with me through His words of this understanding. The water is representing the repentance of sins through our Lord Jesus. Holy Spirit and the precious blood of Jesus are in agreement to review the truth and expose the sinful nature of sin from my flesh to me so that I can ask my Lord to forgive me. My Lord will use His precious blood to cover my sin as He promised and lead me going back to Him walking with Him in my whole life. This is my understanding.

Holy Spirit reviewed to me many times that He did not need me to use wise words or knowledge to witness Him. He only instructed me to tell all He had done on me plainly to others. How He reviewed my sins to me. How I asked for forgiveness and how He gave me strength and power to overcome my own sins. I only needed to share this plainly. He will witness Himself as a living God to the chosen others according to His plan and time. They will not see anything from me but Him and Him alone as a living God. I struggled for a long time inside because I asked “Could I witness you using something better other than telling others how bad I was and how you forgave me? My Lord, I still have a little bit of social status that I do not want to trash it into the garbage tank.” For a while, Holy Spirit still reminded me that I shall not be ashamed of the gospel that saved me. One day, while I read Romans 11:33-34, it said:

“Oh, the depth of the riches, both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and unfathomable His ways!
For WHO HAS KNOW THE MIND OF THE LORD, OR WHO BECAME HIS COUNSELOR?”

I remembered my struggle and what Holy Spirit reviewed to me. Then, I understood that my Lord did not need me to use wise words to witness Him. Even with this understanding, I were still worry that I were out of my mind as I did not see often Christians using this way of telling plainly to witness God. Am I walking into the dead corner of my mind? Later, I read John 7:18, it said:

“The one who speaks from himself seeks his own glory; but He who is seeking the glory of the One who sent Him, He is true, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.”

I remembered my concern naturally while I were reading the above Scriptures. Then, I knew that Holy Spirit was responding to my concern. From then on, I become fully clear that I will only have to tell others plainly of how my Lord is leading me going towards Him. This is what my Lord is asking me to do.

Do you see Jesus in my life? Do you know that Jesus is the living God who is living in every children of God on earth? Did the One who made the outside not make the inside also? The spirit of a person is the lamp of the LORD, Searching all the innermost parts of his being. Do you know when our Lord Jesus return on earth again, He will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of human hearts?

The heart of human beings is the most troublesome container on earth. When people said something that our heart did not like, we would think that they were talking about us. When people said something that we felt lacking, we would think automatically that who do you think you are. How dare you said this to me? Do you think you are God or so holy that can say this to me? Please do not too quick to make this kind of statement in your heart. Who am I with any power that can cause the flashback of some unpleasant memory popped up in your mind again? If it was not me with any supernatural power, do you think it may be Holy Spirit trying to review something and speak to you? You can ask our God within your heart and He will answer you. It is because the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

In the past, I was blind. God had mercy on me forgiving my sins. I got this undeserved Grace from God and He opened my eyes to understand what His salvation is. He healed my heart and reviewed to me what is God’s love? God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us on the cross. With His precious blood to cover our sins, we can make peace with God and walking with Him every day on earth for our eternal life.

If the reader knew me and I had hurt you in anyway in the past, I sincerely apologize to you. Please forgive me! My God has forgiven my sins. Please do not make the mistake that I made in the past. Being self-righteous and being asked by Holy Spirit the question of “If I want him to change according to my timetable, do I have to seek your advice first?”

Do you know what Apostle Paul said in 1 Timothy 1:15-17 was truth and his personal experience? I have a very thick skin on my face and do not feel shameful to borrow this Scriptures. Adding together with
my personal experience, I used the following to conclude what I learned from my God in the last two years.

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I do not even know what I did that shown utter disrespect for the LORD. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever, Amen!”

Next: Preface – Internal Visualization of Testimony, the Calling from Holy Spirit?

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